i seriously need to put on some weight. but how? i'm a freaking big eater, ya if you see the amount of food i eat, you'll be surprised. i eat and eat and eat, like what my friend used to say, i can swallow the whole elephant but my weight is still the same, constant 43kg. according to the Body Mass Index chart, i'm freaking underweight. that's so unhealthy. the ideal weight for me is at least 48kg. 48kg?? how can i get there from 43kg??!! there might be something wrong with my body. i ate so much and i couldn't even gain 1kg. so it's either my body couldn't absorb the nutrient or there are worms inside me. my Mum asked me to try deworming myself. deworm?? imagine having worms either dead or alive coming out from your arse. eww...yucks...that scares the bejesus out of me.

i just came back and couldn't wait to blog about this stupid thing that just happened to me not too long ago. after work/class, i went to Subang Parade to meet my sis and bro to go home together. i was wearing "baju kurung" and heck, i just hate people mistaken me as a Malay. do i look like one first of all??!! of course i know that i look a little tan, but still i believe i have that typical Chinese look. i went to this footwear store and i spoke to this particular lady in English. she then replied in Bahasa Malaysia. fine, i thought that she's a Malay, but when i looked at her nametag, she's a freaking Chinese. so why is she speaking to me in Bahasa??!! fine, i talked to her in Bahasa as well and walked off. then when we were heading to our car in the carpark, this Malay lady handed me a book, some Quran book. i was lke...WHAT THE FUCK!!! ya i was pissed of course, but my sis was laughing behind. i don't get it. do i really look like a Malay??!! that's not the first or second time it happened to me, it happened few times before, people mistaken me as a Malay. i might look tan alright, but still i'm a FREAKING CHINESE with a FREAKING TYPICAL CHINESE LOOK. felt so insulted. no offence to anyone of course, but i just hate being mistaken as someone else, as in different race or religion. those people must be FUCKING BLIND!!!

couldn't sleep last night, kept thinking about "this" matter which my instructor told me about. sigh... i hate this life of mine now, but i know that what they're doing are for our own good.

i miss my old life
i miss my student life
i miss my friends
i miss the good old days i had with my friends
i miss talking to my family especially my Mum
i miss playing with my dog everyday
i miss my jeans
i miss my sneakers
i miss my night life
i miss "mamak"
i miss going online and chat with my friends far far away from Malaysia
i miss everything
life is never the same again...

my life is changing drastically since i started my training. i'm living in this boring and exhausting life everyday. i need to get up freaking early in the morning everyday, at 4:30am. go for classes then come home late in the evening. no more online, no more going out with friends at night, all i do is sleep, sleep and sleep. i'm like a total different person now, both physically and mentally. family are so surprised to see the changes in me, and i believe my friends will be shocked too. i'm turning from a funky looking girl to an elegant lady. sigh... I'M NOT ME ANYMORE!!! the ladies are required to wear pants or skirts with jacket on (suits), makeup and hair tied up nicely. gentlemen with collar shirt and tie. we must look NEAT. it makes me look like a career woman and i don't like it. i'm too young to dress that way and it makes me look much older, but i have no choice.

there's an extremely big hole in my pocket. haven't got my pay yet and i've been spending way too much from what we're getting. suits and makeup are not cheap. for the very first time, at the age of 22, i owned my very own complete set of cosmetics; from foundation to concealer, eyeliner to brow pencil, eyeshadows, mascara, blusher, lipstick and finishing powder. everything cost me a bomb. i even spent more than i can earned. this is freaking sad.

suddenly i'm thinking of "Him" and i miss "Him"...

What your Birth month means:

JANUARY
* Ambitious and serious
* Loves to teach and be taught
* Always looking at people's flaws and weaknesses
* Likes to criticize
* Hardworking and productive
* Smart, neat and organized
* Sensitive and has deep thoughts
* Knows how to make others happy
* Quiet unless excited or tensed
* Rather reserved
* Highly attentive
* Resistant to illnesses but prone to colds
* Romantic but has difficulties expressing love
* Loves children
* Homely person
* Loyal
* Needs to improve social abilities
* Easily jealous

FEBRUARY
* Abstract thoughts
* Loves reality and abstract
* Intelligent and clever
* Changing personality
* Temperamental
* Quiet, shy and humble
* Low self esteem
* Honest and loyal
* Determined to reach goals
* Loves freedom
* Rebellious when restricted
* Loves aggressiveness
* Too sensitive and easily hurt
* Showing anger easily
* Dislike unnecessary things
* Loves making friends but rarely shows it
* Daring and stubborn
* Ambitious
* Realizing dreams and hopes
* Sharp
* Loves entertainment and leisure
* Romantic on the inside not outside
* Superstitious and ludicrous
* Spendthrift
* Learns to show emotions

MARCH
* Attractive personality
* Affectionate
* Shy and reserved
* Secretive
* Naturally honest, generous and sympathetic
* Loves peace and serenity
* Sensitive to others
* Loves to serve others
* Not easily angered
* Trustworthy
* Appreciative and returns kindness
* Observant and assess others
* Revengeful
* Loves to dream and fantasize
* Loves traveling
* Loves attention
* Loves home decors
* Musically talented
* Loves special things
* Moody

APRIL
* Active and dynamic
* Decisive and hateful but tends to regret
* Attractive and affectionate to oneself
* Strong mentality
* Loves attention
* Diplomatic
* Consoling
* Friendly and solves people's problems
* Brave and fearless
* Adventurous
* Loving and caring
* Suave and generous
* Emotional
* Revengeful
* Aggressive
* Hasty
* Good memory
* Moving
* Motivate oneself and the others
* Sickness usually of the head and chest
* Easily get too jealous

MAY
* Stubborn and hard-hearted
* Strong-willed and highly motivated
* Sharp thoughts
* Easily angered
* Attracts others and loves attention
* Deep feelings
* Beautiful physically and mentally
* Firm standpoint
* Easily influenced
* Needs no motivation
* Easily consoled
* Systematic (left brain)
* Loves to dream
* Strong clairvoyance
* Understanding
* Sickness usually in the ear and neck
* Good imagination
* Good debating skills
* Good physical
* Weak breathing
* Loves literature and the arts
* Loves traveling
* Dislike being at home
* Restless
* Hardworking
* High spirited
* Spendthrift

JUNE
* Thinks far with vision
* Easily influenced by kindness
* Polite and soft-spoken
* Having lots of ideas
* Sensitive
* Active mind
* Hesitating
* Tends to delay
* Choosy and always wants the best
* Temperamental
* Funny and humorous
* Loves to joke
* Good debating skills
* Talkative
* Daydreamer
* Friendly
* Knows how to make friends
* Abiding
* Able to show character
* Easily hurt
* Prone to getting colds
* Loves to dress up
* Easily bored
* Fussy
* Seldom show emotions
* Takes time to recover when hurt
* Brand conscious
* Executive
* Stubborn
* Those who loves me are enemies
* Those who hates me are friends

JULY
* Fun to be with
* Secretive
* Difficult to fathom and to be understood
* Quiet unless excited or tensed
* Takes pride in oneself
* Has reputation
* Easily consoled
* Honest
* Concern about people's feelings
* Tactful
* Friendly
* Approachable
* Very emotional
* Temperamental and unpredictable
* Moody and easily hurt
* Witty and sarky
* Sentimental
* Not revengeful
* Forgiving but never forgets
* Dislike nonsensical and unnecessary things
* Guides others physically and mentally
* Sensitive and forms impressions carefully
* Caring and loving
* Treats others equally
* Strong sense of sympathy
* Wary and sharp
* Judge people through observations
* Hardworking
* No difficulties

AUGUST
* Loves to joke
* Attractive
* Suave and caring
* Brave and fearless
* Firm and has leadership qualities
* Knows how to console others
* Too generous and egoistic
* Takes high pride of oneself
* Thirsty for praises
* Extraordinary spirit
* Easily angered
* Angry when provoked
* Easily jealous
* Observant
* Careful and cautious
* Thinks quickly
* Independent thoughts
* Loves to lead and to be led
* Loves to dream
* Talented in the arts, music and defense
* Sensitive but not petty
* Poor resistance against illnesses
* Learns to relax
* Hasty and rushy
* Romantic
* Loving and caring
* Loves to make friends

SEPTEMBER
* Suave and compromising
* Careful, cautious and organized
* Likes to point out people's mistakes
* Likes to criticize
* Quiet but able to talk well
* Calm and cool
* Kind and sympathetic
* Concerned and detailed
* Trustworthy, loyal and honest
* Does work well
* Sensitive
* Thinking
* Good memory
* Clever and knowledgeable
* Loves to look for information
* Must control oneself when criticizing
* Able to motivate oneself
* Understanding
* Secretive
* Loves sports, leisure and traveling
* Hardly shows emotions
* Tends to bottle up feelings
* Choosy especially in relationships
* Loves wide things
* Systematic

OCTOBER
* Loves to chat
* Loves those who loves him
* Loves to takes things at the centre
* Attractive and suave
* Inner and physical beauty
* Does not lie or pretend
* Sympathetic
* Treats friends importantly
* Always making friends
* Easily hurt but recovers easily
* Bad tempered
* Selfish
* Seldom helps unless asked
* Daydreamer
* Very opinionated
* Does not care of what others think
* Emotional
* Decisive
* Strong clairvoyance
* Loves to travel, the arts and literature
* Soft-spoken, loving and caring
* Romantic
* Touchy and easily jealous
* Concerned
* Loves outdoors
* Just and fair
* Spendthrift and easily influenced
* Easily lose confidence

NOVEMBER
* Has a lot of ideas
* Difficult to fathom
* Thinks forward
* Unique and brilliant
* Extraordinary ideas
* Sharp thinking
* Fine and strong clairvoyance
* Can become good doctors
* Careful and cautious
* Dynamic in personality
* Secretive
* Inquisitive
* Knows how to dig secrets
* Always thinking
* Less talkative but amiable
* Brave and generous
* Patient
* Stubborn and hard-hearted
* If there is a will, there is a way
* Determined
* Never give up
* Hardly become angry unless provoked
* Loves to be alone
* Thinks differently from others
* Sharp-minded
* Motivates oneself
* Does not appreciates praises
* High-spirited
* Well-built and tough
* Deep love

DECEMBER
* Loyal and generous
* Patriotic
* Active in games and interactions
* Impatient and hasty
* Ambitious
* Influential in organizations
* Fun to be with
* Loves to socialize
* Loves praises
* Loves attention
* Loves to be loved
* Honest and trustworthy
* Not pretending
* Short tempered
* Changing personality
* Not egoistic
* Takes high pride in oneself
* Hates restrictions
* Loves to joke
* Good sense of humor
* Logical

had an extremely stupid dream today - my neighbour was attacked by a Predator right in front of my house. it's stupid but interesting. haha...

yesterday A text me out of nowhere. she wanted to ask me out and talk about us; me and she. i was thinking, what the hell.. anyhow i couldn't make it because i'm going out with family in an hour time when she text me. asked her what is there to talk about, she replied me with this: "kinda miss you and you never even call me! like you hate me or something. might sounds silly to you but not to me. felt like we don't know each other anymore. misses you for long time, just waiting for you to call. but you didn't. i know you have new life, so do i. and today, i read your old letters for me when i was in poli and so i decided to let it all out. even if we won't be buddies like we used to, i have no regrets after letting you know i still hope we can be good friends like we used to. thank you." i've been thinking, if she misses me so much, is it really hard for her to call me then?? why must i call her. i mean how would the hell i know that she's missing me and that she's waiting for my call? isn't it suppose to be the other way round, she misses me so she should call and let me know about it?? hmm... well whatever. so i replied her back, "people change and things change, i believe you knew that. some things can never be the same like what it used to be, that's the fact. sometimes people made mistakes without realizing it, but when they do, it's too late. sometimes people just don't appreciate what they really have, but when they do, it's just too late. over means over. the past is the past. what i'm trying to say is that although we can never be like what we used to be, you are still a friend to me. no hard feelings. i'm not saying that it's your fault, because it could be my fault too. but things between us will never be like what we used to be. i hope you understand it". alright, i might sound too harsh or mean, but it's good to make things clear between us.

it has been quite some time since i last blogged. i think i'm going to blog less now, since i started my training. so busy and so tired with everything everyday. so from now onwards, i'll either post a message or two or maybe none in a week. but i'll try to blog no matter what.

first day of training was a torture, both physically and mentally. it made me wonder if i've made the right choice to take the offer right at the first place. however there's nothing i can do but to learn to like it now. i've already signed the contract. before i leave my house to class, i actually have the thought to give up (that's before i hand in the agreement forms), but i told myself, since i've been this far, why not give it a try. afterall, i always thought that the job i'm going to take is fun. never knew that the training was that scary and horrible. in the end, i can only choose to learn and like it. somehow i told myself to take this opportunity to challenge myself but i'm not quite sure if i can make it. the reasons they're treating us that strict are because they wanted to train us to be as perfect as we can, to be a good person, to be discipline and to be responsible. i knew that what they're doing are actually for our own good, but it's kinda harsh for me that i just couldn't accept it at the first place. that's life, life is never easy. guess i need some time to get used to all these and hopefully i'll be able to take all the pressures given.