i seriously need to put on some weight. but how? i'm a freaking big eater, ya if you see the amount of food i eat, you'll be surprised. i eat and eat and eat, like what my friend used to say, i can swallow the whole elephant but my weight is still the same, constant 43kg. according to the Body Mass Index chart, i'm freaking underweight. that's so unhealthy. the ideal weight for me is at least 48kg. 48kg?? how can i get there from 43kg??!! there might be something wrong with my body. i ate so much and i couldn't even gain 1kg. so it's either my body couldn't absorb the nutrient or there are worms inside me. my Mum asked me to try deworming myself. deworm?? imagine having worms either dead or alive coming out from your arse. eww...yucks...that scares the bejesus out of me.

i just came back and couldn't wait to blog about this stupid thing that just happened to me not too long ago. after work/class, i went to Subang Parade to meet my sis and bro to go home together. i was wearing "baju kurung" and heck, i just hate people mistaken me as a Malay. do i look like one first of all??!! of course i know that i look a little tan, but still i believe i have that typical Chinese look. i went to this footwear store and i spoke to this particular lady in English. she then replied in Bahasa Malaysia. fine, i thought that she's a Malay, but when i looked at her nametag, she's a freaking Chinese. so why is she speaking to me in Bahasa??!! fine, i talked to her in Bahasa as well and walked off. then when we were heading to our car in the carpark, this Malay lady handed me a book, some Quran book. i was lke...WHAT THE FUCK!!! ya i was pissed of course, but my sis was laughing behind. i don't get it. do i really look like a Malay??!! that's not the first or second time it happened to me, it happened few times before, people mistaken me as a Malay. i might look tan alright, but still i'm a FREAKING CHINESE with a FREAKING TYPICAL CHINESE LOOK. felt so insulted. no offence to anyone of course, but i just hate being mistaken as someone else, as in different race or religion. those people must be FUCKING BLIND!!!

couldn't sleep last night, kept thinking about "this" matter which my instructor told me about. sigh... i hate this life of mine now, but i know that what they're doing are for our own good.

i miss my old life
i miss my student life
i miss my friends
i miss the good old days i had with my friends
i miss talking to my family especially my Mum
i miss playing with my dog everyday
i miss my jeans
i miss my sneakers
i miss my night life
i miss "mamak"
i miss going online and chat with my friends far far away from Malaysia
i miss everything
life is never the same again...

my life is changing drastically since i started my training. i'm living in this boring and exhausting life everyday. i need to get up freaking early in the morning everyday, at 4:30am. go for classes then come home late in the evening. no more online, no more going out with friends at night, all i do is sleep, sleep and sleep. i'm like a total different person now, both physically and mentally. family are so surprised to see the changes in me, and i believe my friends will be shocked too. i'm turning from a funky looking girl to an elegant lady. sigh... I'M NOT ME ANYMORE!!! the ladies are required to wear pants or skirts with jacket on (suits), makeup and hair tied up nicely. gentlemen with collar shirt and tie. we must look NEAT. it makes me look like a career woman and i don't like it. i'm too young to dress that way and it makes me look much older, but i have no choice.

there's an extremely big hole in my pocket. haven't got my pay yet and i've been spending way too much from what we're getting. suits and makeup are not cheap. for the very first time, at the age of 22, i owned my very own complete set of cosmetics; from foundation to concealer, eyeliner to brow pencil, eyeshadows, mascara, blusher, lipstick and finishing powder. everything cost me a bomb. i even spent more than i can earned. this is freaking sad.

suddenly i'm thinking of "Him" and i miss "Him"...

What your Birth month means:

JANUARY
* Ambitious and serious
* Loves to teach and be taught
* Always looking at people's flaws and weaknesses
* Likes to criticize
* Hardworking and productive
* Smart, neat and organized
* Sensitive and has deep thoughts
* Knows how to make others happy
* Quiet unless excited or tensed
* Rather reserved
* Highly attentive
* Resistant to illnesses but prone to colds
* Romantic but has difficulties expressing love
* Loves children
* Homely person
* Loyal
* Needs to improve social abilities
* Easily jealous

FEBRUARY
* Abstract thoughts
* Loves reality and abstract
* Intelligent and clever
* Changing personality
* Temperamental
* Quiet, shy and humble
* Low self esteem
* Honest and loyal
* Determined to reach goals
* Loves freedom
* Rebellious when restricted
* Loves aggressiveness
* Too sensitive and easily hurt
* Showing anger easily
* Dislike unnecessary things
* Loves making friends but rarely shows it
* Daring and stubborn
* Ambitious
* Realizing dreams and hopes
* Sharp
* Loves entertainment and leisure
* Romantic on the inside not outside
* Superstitious and ludicrous
* Spendthrift
* Learns to show emotions

MARCH
* Attractive personality
* Affectionate
* Shy and reserved
* Secretive
* Naturally honest, generous and sympathetic
* Loves peace and serenity
* Sensitive to others
* Loves to serve others
* Not easily angered
* Trustworthy
* Appreciative and returns kindness
* Observant and assess others
* Revengeful
* Loves to dream and fantasize
* Loves traveling
* Loves attention
* Loves home decors
* Musically talented
* Loves special things
* Moody

APRIL
* Active and dynamic
* Decisive and hateful but tends to regret
* Attractive and affectionate to oneself
* Strong mentality
* Loves attention
* Diplomatic
* Consoling
* Friendly and solves people's problems
* Brave and fearless
* Adventurous
* Loving and caring
* Suave and generous
* Emotional
* Revengeful
* Aggressive
* Hasty
* Good memory
* Moving
* Motivate oneself and the others
* Sickness usually of the head and chest
* Easily get too jealous

MAY
* Stubborn and hard-hearted
* Strong-willed and highly motivated
* Sharp thoughts
* Easily angered
* Attracts others and loves attention
* Deep feelings
* Beautiful physically and mentally
* Firm standpoint
* Easily influenced
* Needs no motivation
* Easily consoled
* Systematic (left brain)
* Loves to dream
* Strong clairvoyance
* Understanding
* Sickness usually in the ear and neck
* Good imagination
* Good debating skills
* Good physical
* Weak breathing
* Loves literature and the arts
* Loves traveling
* Dislike being at home
* Restless
* Hardworking
* High spirited
* Spendthrift

JUNE
* Thinks far with vision
* Easily influenced by kindness
* Polite and soft-spoken
* Having lots of ideas
* Sensitive
* Active mind
* Hesitating
* Tends to delay
* Choosy and always wants the best
* Temperamental
* Funny and humorous
* Loves to joke
* Good debating skills
* Talkative
* Daydreamer
* Friendly
* Knows how to make friends
* Abiding
* Able to show character
* Easily hurt
* Prone to getting colds
* Loves to dress up
* Easily bored
* Fussy
* Seldom show emotions
* Takes time to recover when hurt
* Brand conscious
* Executive
* Stubborn
* Those who loves me are enemies
* Those who hates me are friends

JULY
* Fun to be with
* Secretive
* Difficult to fathom and to be understood
* Quiet unless excited or tensed
* Takes pride in oneself
* Has reputation
* Easily consoled
* Honest
* Concern about people's feelings
* Tactful
* Friendly
* Approachable
* Very emotional
* Temperamental and unpredictable
* Moody and easily hurt
* Witty and sarky
* Sentimental
* Not revengeful
* Forgiving but never forgets
* Dislike nonsensical and unnecessary things
* Guides others physically and mentally
* Sensitive and forms impressions carefully
* Caring and loving
* Treats others equally
* Strong sense of sympathy
* Wary and sharp
* Judge people through observations
* Hardworking
* No difficulties

AUGUST
* Loves to joke
* Attractive
* Suave and caring
* Brave and fearless
* Firm and has leadership qualities
* Knows how to console others
* Too generous and egoistic
* Takes high pride of oneself
* Thirsty for praises
* Extraordinary spirit
* Easily angered
* Angry when provoked
* Easily jealous
* Observant
* Careful and cautious
* Thinks quickly
* Independent thoughts
* Loves to lead and to be led
* Loves to dream
* Talented in the arts, music and defense
* Sensitive but not petty
* Poor resistance against illnesses
* Learns to relax
* Hasty and rushy
* Romantic
* Loving and caring
* Loves to make friends

SEPTEMBER
* Suave and compromising
* Careful, cautious and organized
* Likes to point out people's mistakes
* Likes to criticize
* Quiet but able to talk well
* Calm and cool
* Kind and sympathetic
* Concerned and detailed
* Trustworthy, loyal and honest
* Does work well
* Sensitive
* Thinking
* Good memory
* Clever and knowledgeable
* Loves to look for information
* Must control oneself when criticizing
* Able to motivate oneself
* Understanding
* Secretive
* Loves sports, leisure and traveling
* Hardly shows emotions
* Tends to bottle up feelings
* Choosy especially in relationships
* Loves wide things
* Systematic

OCTOBER
* Loves to chat
* Loves those who loves him
* Loves to takes things at the centre
* Attractive and suave
* Inner and physical beauty
* Does not lie or pretend
* Sympathetic
* Treats friends importantly
* Always making friends
* Easily hurt but recovers easily
* Bad tempered
* Selfish
* Seldom helps unless asked
* Daydreamer
* Very opinionated
* Does not care of what others think
* Emotional
* Decisive
* Strong clairvoyance
* Loves to travel, the arts and literature
* Soft-spoken, loving and caring
* Romantic
* Touchy and easily jealous
* Concerned
* Loves outdoors
* Just and fair
* Spendthrift and easily influenced
* Easily lose confidence

NOVEMBER
* Has a lot of ideas
* Difficult to fathom
* Thinks forward
* Unique and brilliant
* Extraordinary ideas
* Sharp thinking
* Fine and strong clairvoyance
* Can become good doctors
* Careful and cautious
* Dynamic in personality
* Secretive
* Inquisitive
* Knows how to dig secrets
* Always thinking
* Less talkative but amiable
* Brave and generous
* Patient
* Stubborn and hard-hearted
* If there is a will, there is a way
* Determined
* Never give up
* Hardly become angry unless provoked
* Loves to be alone
* Thinks differently from others
* Sharp-minded
* Motivates oneself
* Does not appreciates praises
* High-spirited
* Well-built and tough
* Deep love

DECEMBER
* Loyal and generous
* Patriotic
* Active in games and interactions
* Impatient and hasty
* Ambitious
* Influential in organizations
* Fun to be with
* Loves to socialize
* Loves praises
* Loves attention
* Loves to be loved
* Honest and trustworthy
* Not pretending
* Short tempered
* Changing personality
* Not egoistic
* Takes high pride in oneself
* Hates restrictions
* Loves to joke
* Good sense of humor
* Logical

had an extremely stupid dream today - my neighbour was attacked by a Predator right in front of my house. it's stupid but interesting. haha...

yesterday A text me out of nowhere. she wanted to ask me out and talk about us; me and she. i was thinking, what the hell.. anyhow i couldn't make it because i'm going out with family in an hour time when she text me. asked her what is there to talk about, she replied me with this: "kinda miss you and you never even call me! like you hate me or something. might sounds silly to you but not to me. felt like we don't know each other anymore. misses you for long time, just waiting for you to call. but you didn't. i know you have new life, so do i. and today, i read your old letters for me when i was in poli and so i decided to let it all out. even if we won't be buddies like we used to, i have no regrets after letting you know i still hope we can be good friends like we used to. thank you." i've been thinking, if she misses me so much, is it really hard for her to call me then?? why must i call her. i mean how would the hell i know that she's missing me and that she's waiting for my call? isn't it suppose to be the other way round, she misses me so she should call and let me know about it?? hmm... well whatever. so i replied her back, "people change and things change, i believe you knew that. some things can never be the same like what it used to be, that's the fact. sometimes people made mistakes without realizing it, but when they do, it's too late. sometimes people just don't appreciate what they really have, but when they do, it's just too late. over means over. the past is the past. what i'm trying to say is that although we can never be like what we used to be, you are still a friend to me. no hard feelings. i'm not saying that it's your fault, because it could be my fault too. but things between us will never be like what we used to be. i hope you understand it". alright, i might sound too harsh or mean, but it's good to make things clear between us.

it has been quite some time since i last blogged. i think i'm going to blog less now, since i started my training. so busy and so tired with everything everyday. so from now onwards, i'll either post a message or two or maybe none in a week. but i'll try to blog no matter what.

first day of training was a torture, both physically and mentally. it made me wonder if i've made the right choice to take the offer right at the first place. however there's nothing i can do but to learn to like it now. i've already signed the contract. before i leave my house to class, i actually have the thought to give up (that's before i hand in the agreement forms), but i told myself, since i've been this far, why not give it a try. afterall, i always thought that the job i'm going to take is fun. never knew that the training was that scary and horrible. in the end, i can only choose to learn and like it. somehow i told myself to take this opportunity to challenge myself but i'm not quite sure if i can make it. the reasons they're treating us that strict are because they wanted to train us to be as perfect as we can, to be a good person, to be discipline and to be responsible. i knew that what they're doing are actually for our own good, but it's kinda harsh for me that i just couldn't accept it at the first place. that's life, life is never easy. guess i need some time to get used to all these and hopefully i'll be able to take all the pressures given.

went to the bank this morning and opened my account. finally the system is working. came back, had my breakfast and went online. checked my mail and at last a friend replied my mail. i mailed her twice few days ago regarding my graduation photos. FUCK HER!! i'm so mad at her. i'm so freaking piss!! she's the worst human i've ever known. she's the most selfish human on earth. SHE'S A FREAKING HORRIBLE BITCH. no i think the term "bitch" is too good for her, she's just indescribable. and i think she deserves to be named here, her name is Ashley. yup, i talked about her before in my earlier posts.

the story goes like this. my graduation photos were addressed to her address in London. i was staying with her and another friend before i came back to Malaysia. unfortunately, there were some problems with the delivery and i have to come back here without my graduation photos. few months later, the photos arrived and i told her to keep them for me. 2 weeks ago my cousin told me that her husband, who is in London is coming back to Malaysia next month. thought that he could bring the photos back for me. that's why i mailed Ashley, but somehow she told me to contact this other friend and asked her about this. so i asked the other girl, Nikki and she told me everything. and you know what, i can never have my photos back. that bloody Ashley took my photos and Nikki's luggage to the train station and left them in the left luggage office. she left everything there for more than 3 months already. how do you expect me and Nikki to pay for the deposits and other charges?!! ARGGHHH..... i really feel like punching her on the face. Nikki was pissed about this when she knew that Ashley left all her luggage in the left luggage office in the train station. she did not know that Ashley put my photos in there too. STUPID BITCH!! i paid freaking £42.95 for the photos and now they're all gone. you know what Ashley, THANKS FOR THIS...

yesterday's dinner was terrible. the food suck. and they knew about my job. i saw them laughing and whispering to each other and laughing again. go on, laugh as much as you like, go on and laugh your ass out. it doesn't matter to me.
i don't like them, i don't like them for being such a terrible relatives. it was my cousin's son's birthday last night. all my other relatives got their share of cakes except for us. they were giving it away to others right in front of us (Mum and i) and we got none. it's alright if they did not give us any (we don't eat "cheap" spongecakes too). but giving the others right in front of us without giving us anything, that's not a very good thing to be done. you call that a big happy family? i doubt it. it's ok, i believe in karma.

this is going to be the stupidest thing ever. to open an account in this particular bank, you need to make an appointment. what the... i went to two different branch of "this bank" in Klang yesterday and they did not allow me to open an account without an appointment. it's a new policy according to them. i was like...ok. there's nothing i can do because the company i'm going to work for requires us to have an account in this bank. went to another branch in Bayu Perdana this morning and thank God, they are still using the old policy. BUT the system is down. went back there again later, and it's still down. STUPID SYSTEM!! so i need to go there again tomorrow morning. please please please, i hope it's working tomorrow morning.


New hair colour. Paid RM140 for both colouring and treatment.

i've decided to take the offer, FINALLY. just made up my mind yesterday. it's going to be a brand new life from next week onwards. couldn't even imagine what's awaiting for me in front. i hope that i can cope with everything. i hope that i'll never regret taking the offer. i hope that i'll like this job. i hope that everything will go on smoothly. i hope and i hope and i hope. everyone will be so damn shocked and surprised to know about this job of mine, especially my relatives. they'll call me stupid, they'll call me dumb. i'm a graduate from a university in London and what i'm going to do has nothing to do with what i've studied. totally not related. they'll say that i'm so stupid for wasting so much money to study abroad. but i don't care. this is my life and this is what i've chosen. if i'll ever regret taking the job, then it's my fault, my problem. so if you're going to say something about my stupidity, please bug off and i think it's better for you to remain silent. all i need are some words of encouragement and not some criticism. thank you so much. there's a dinner tonight, family dinner with relatives in Klang. i wonder if they knew about my job or not. we'll see...

going out later to colour my hair to black again. but i need to go to the bank first to open a new account. i wish i have more time but i don't. sigh...

so many things to do yet so little time. i thought that i have a few more weeks before the training started but just realized that i only have a week. goodness.. i have not decide whether to take the offer or not yet. part of me said yes and part of me said no. this is so frustrating. argghhh....

hey hey, it's my friend's birthday today. just dropped him a message in his homepage.

Happy Birthday to "You"! wishing you all the best on your special day and everything good in the year ahead...

listen to this - The Egg Song. so damn cute...

Gemini - Your Love Profile

Your positive traits:

Your lively, outgoing attitude attracts people to you everywhere you go.
You can talk your way into - and out of - any situation you desire.
You're adaptable enough to flirt with anyone - and people tend to fight over you.

Your negative traits:

You get easily bored in relationships, and tend to jump from person to person.
You tend to be a bit of a player - and have a high tolerance for drama in relationships.
Not the most emphathetic person, you tend to tell lovers to "get over" their problems.

Your ideal partner:

Is intelligent and quick witted enough to keep you interested.
Is a bit of a shape shifter, providing you with the variety you crave.
An open minded person, who's willling to have a non-traditional relationship.

Your dating style:

Exciting. If your date shows you a new experience (like Egyptian food or scuba diving), you're very happy.

Your seduction style:

Experimental: it's rare that you try the same thing twice.
Ultra kinky - you do stuff that's not even in books yet.
Hot and cold... sometimes you're just not into the whole sex thing.

Tips for the future:

Settle down a little. Sometimes good things come with time - so don't let people go so fast.
Acknowledge that you're a player and flirt. If your mate can't live with this, find someone who can.
Give your partner a little more attention. You don't have to be a social butterfly all the time.

Best place to meet someone online:

Match.com - enough sexy singles for you to find a new playmate when you get restless

Best color to attract mate: Sunny yellow

Best day for a date: Wednesday

Get your free love profile at Blogthings.

what a day.. was chatting with Tracy at around 1am and she was so damn pissed. a friend of hers called from Malacca and told her that there's a seminar later at 8am. it's a very important one where attendants will be taken and marks are given. she was pissed because all her friends are being selfish and did not tell her earlier about this seminar. she came back on Wednesday night for the prayers and she doesn't know about the seminar at all, when all her friends knew and did not tell her about it. then we went out to mamak at around 2am with her cousin sister. Tracy was so mad, she wanted to cry. she knew she can't make it for the seminar unless someone fetch her back to Malacca. the earliest bus departs at 8:30am, so there's no way she can make it. her cousin is so nice, she decided to fetch Tracy to Malacca. so all of us went to Malacca at 4am. reached there at around 6am, slept for 4 hours and came back to Klang again at around 11:30am. reached home at around 1:30pm, took a quick shower, get dressed and went out again to collect my agreement forms. came back at around 5:15pm, ate a plate of noodles and had a 2 hours nap. i'm going out again soon, to a friend's house. ah..i'm so sleepy. i better go take another quick shower then have my dinner and get ready to leave. ciaoz...

received a very shocking phone call just now. it's regarding job B. they're offering me the job!! surprise surprise!! i was surprised. never thought that this will be happening to me but it's happening now. however, that call made me got stuck in the state of confusion. should i take the offer or not? thought that this is what i've wanted but now that i've got it, i kinda doubt and unsure about it. this is madness. then i was told that i need to go to the HR department tomorrow to get the agreement forms. that's freaking fast. told my parents about it and Dad said that he'll fetch me there. guess my parents are being supportive here, so i'll just take the offer. if the worst comes to the worst, i'll either regret taking the offer or vice versa.

i don't like the way i'm feeling right now. i have this feeling since yesterday and it's not a good thing. i'm so green with envy. i'm full with jealousies and envies. not a good thing but i can't help myself. i'm mad and furious. feel so stupid and useless and being used all the time. why are people taking me for granted?! i'm not asking for more, all i want is some appreciation and care that shows how true you are as a friend. damn.. i don't know why am i feeling this way. guess the older i get the more sensitive i've become. sigh..

Quote of the day:
~Do not overrate what you have received, nor envy others. He who envies others does not obtain peace of mind - Buddha

yup i'm not obtaining any peace right now. shall try to forget about it.

we'll be having a prayer later at 12am. it's a very big day for all the Hokkiens.
Click here to learn about The Spring Festival

shame to say that i actually went for the movie yesterday. 'jie' called and asked me to go. and since 'jie' is fetching another gal to Klang as well, i've finally made up my mind to go. however, we were late for the movie and we missed the front part. but overall it's not a very bad movie. quite good - opinion from a person who doesn't fancy romance movie and that's ME

When I saw you I was afraid to meet you
Now that I've met you I'm afraid to kiss you
Now that I've kissed you I'm afraid to love you
And now that I love you I'm afraid to lose you

The way I feel for you I can't describe
It's almost too intense to verbalize
Essentially you're all I'm living for
Basically each day I need you more

I'm NOT supposed to love you
I'm NOT supposed to care
I'm NOT supposed to live my life
wishing you were there
I'm NOT supposed to wonder
where you are or what you do
BUT I'm sorry I can't help myself
I'M IN LOVE WITH YOU♡

Frustrated cuz I can't tell if it's Real
Mad cuz I don't know how you Feel
Upset cuz we can't make it Right
Sad cuz I need you Day and Night
Angry cuz you won't hold my Hand
Aggravated cuz you don't Understand
Disappointed cuz we can't be Together
But still I'll Love You Forever

I cry for the times you were almost mine
I cry for the memories I've left behind
I cry for the pain, the lost, the old and the new
I cry for the times I thought I had you

Don't underestimate the love in me
It's obvious these feelings run so deep
I fall and fall for you day after day
Nobody else could ever take your place
So take a look at me now
There's just an empty space
There's nothing left here to remind me
Just the memory of your face...

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!!

i'm back!! home sweet home..was back on Saturday night, went out yesterday and today i'm back to the same old routine again; staying at home doing nothing. need to start my job hunting soon although i'm so lazy to do it. nothing much to say, nothing much happened during CNY except that i ate a lot, extremely a lot and gained a few kilos and yes, a few inches on my waistline too. blerghh..

my hdd crashed again. DARN!! for the freaking second time my hdd crashed. the first time was in London, lost all my documents of course and most importantly, ALL THE PICTURES!! and now the same thing happened again. yes, lost all the documents again and of course all the pictures too. thank God i burned most of the pictures 2 weeks ago, but how stupid of me, i only burned pictures taken on 2003 and 2004. did not burn the pictures taken on 2005. STUPID STUPID DUMB DUMB!! arghh...so mad. oh and all my mp3s too. ARGHHH!!!

yes it's Valentine's Day today and i've decided not to go out with anyone at all. i've rejected 2 invitations for dinner tonight. Nikki got free tickets for the movie "Shall We Dance" tonight at KLCC but i've decided not to go as well. why??
1. not really into romance movie. although it's free but i don't think i'll enjoy watching it. it's better to stay at home and watch astro. haha...
2. if i'm going, 'jie' need to fetch me back again. he just fetched me back yesterday and i feel so guilty. well everytime when i'm out with them, 'jie' is the one who need to fetch me back. how can i not feel guilty??!!
so it's a lot better for me to stay at home. you guys enjoy the movie then.
Happy Valentine's Day to everyone!!