wrote this entry down on a piece of paper on the 22nd July 2005. was in Kota Kinabalu for business trip. here goes...

22 July - i'm in my room reading with the radio on, listening to mix.fm and it's 3:50am now. the radio is playing this song called "If You're Not The One" by Daniel Bedingfield. i'm not a fan of his, nor do i fancy this song. somehow i started to have this weird feeling lingering in my heart. it reminds me of the time when i was in London. i always heard this song on air on one of the radio stations in London when i was working in this clinic. the station is called London's Heart 106.2. they love playing this song over and over again for the whole day. guess i really miss the time i had. how nice if i can freeze the time when i was there with my mates. memories, something to be remembered...ALWAYS..

the decision i've made to go out for dinner with my colleagues yesterday is never a mistake. that night, we met a pilot, Captain Chris and we had dinner together. it was a great night, we had a great time talking, joking and laughing for hours. after dinner, the Capt and i spent another hour talking and i found that he's a really nice chap; understanding, smart, funny, caring. of course when i said that, it does not mean that i'm into him. i think he's old enough to be my Dad, he's probably around his 40s, yet age doesn't matter for us to be friends. but i really do like him as in i really enjoy the time we've had together that night and of course it would be great if we could just stay in touch and be close friends. an older and wiser man as a good friend? why not. and once again, i'm not into him please.

something is really wrong between Tracy and i. lately, we seems to have more arguements whenever we meet. guess there are some miscommunications and misunderstanding going on. it's so hard. she's always hoping that i'll understand her feelings and situations, but can she just for once think about my feelings and situations? i'm just hoping that we'll be fine soon.

it was my big day yesterday; my Birthday. but i never got to celebrate it because i have to work. yeah, working on Sunday was pathetic and miserable, even worst when you have to work on your own once-in-a-year big day. anyhow, Happy Belated Birthday to me!!!

life is so sad once i started working. working hours are so unpredictable and my life is turning upside down. i'm always complaining about my job, but still i'm doing it because i'm left with no choice. ok lets just try looking at the bright side. at least i have a job, a source of income and i'm earning for a living. it doesn't really matter about the amount i'm earning. as for me, the amount isn't important, what's more important is my interest towards my job. i would rather choose a job that i enjoy and am happy with, with less pay than doing something i dislike. but what's happening to me now is totally different from what i've wanted. i must admit that the money i'm earning is quite good but the problem is i'm not enjoying what i'm doing. maybe i just need more time to cope with it. i may look happy but i'm not. it's the "Happy" mask i put on and people do not know how miserable i am inside. it's really hard to live with this mask on. hope that one day, i do not have to live with this mask on to shows that i'm happy, but to have my own true happy face and be the real me.

Quote of the day:
~Do what you love and love what you do. That means, do something because you love it, not because you want it to bring you fame and fortune.

my job is killing me. i'm turning to be a zombie real soon and please, do welcome me into the World of Zombies. i'm working like a slave, a cow or should i say buffalo. actually my job is worst than that. this is so hard to believe and yes, i still couldn't cope with this kind of life. i'm doing my second practical now, and yeah they're killing me. i'm suffering from severe back pain, actually suffering from pain all over the body, lack of sleep (seriously i might just collapsed from exhaustion one day), losing weight and losing friends. been working and working and working, that i have no time at all to spend it with my friends and even my family. sis told me today that since i started this job, my house seems to be a hotel to me. all i do is come back and sleep and go to work again. it's sad to hear that, especially from my own sis, but this is my life now. had a talk with my Mum regarding this matter and i'm glad that she understands. she knew that my job requires a lot of sacrifices, i need to let go many things..

today is our last day in class. after this we'll be heading to our own path and we do not know when will we be meeting each other again. thinking about it makes me feel so sad. we will still be meeting each other for the very last time during our graduation day but things are gonna be so different then.

All the best to YOU GUYS!!! gonna miss all of you...

met up with Tracy yesterday and i am trying to meet up with her as often as i can before i finish my training and started working full time. i believe things will never be the same as before once i started working full time. i'll be spending most of my time working and the time to be spent with my family and friends will be reduced. you might think that it couldn't be as bad as what i've said, but trust me, it is that bad. i'm not doing a 9-5 job. our working hours and days are inflexible. sometimes we'll have to work on weekends, public holidays and special occasions. i'm just afraid that friends might think that i'm forgetting and neglecting them, but i hope that they will understand my situation. this is going to be a tough one. i've talked about this with my family and they understand perfectly. Thank you.

time is running out. we are left with only 7 more working days to go, for us to spend our time together in the same class. after that 7 days, we'll be going to different paths where we will never be able to see each other again, unless we're very very lucky to be assigned to work together. and that is a very rare case. the percentage for us to be assigned to work together is as low as 1%. so it seems to be a total impossible thing.

for the past few days, i was trying to enjoy and appreciate my time with my fellow colleagues/classmates, especially with this particular friend of mine, who sat next to me. we were supposed to have a great time talking to each other, but due to my sad condition (i have super sore throat), i lost my voice for freaking 3 days of work and i couldn't communicate with him. on the last day of work, that was Friday, out of nowhere, he wrote something on a piece of paper which i believe were lyrics, and he gave it to me. he then told me that he wrote those stuff to his gf when he was a drug addict last time. yes he used to be a drug addict. he confessed that to us during his 4th speech and i think that it's so brave of him to tell us that. it's never easy to say something especially something that's bad about oneself to the public. however i was shocked and surprised when he showed me the paper. i think he wanted to share his past with me, needed a friend to talk to about his past. i don't mind listening to him as i myself wanted to know more about him. nothing more, but just as a friend. he's a guy full with mysteries, awaiting for someone to explore it. i wanted to ask him about his past, especially his life as a drug addict before, but i couldn't do it because of my voice. and i do not know should i ask him or not. well lets just wait and see how thing goes..

YES!! finally i experienced something good during my practical experience today. it was hell a lot better than my first one. i was given an opportunity to do something which i think none of my colleagues got to experience it. well finally i got something nice to say about my practical experience tomorrow when we gather in the class again. at least i won't feel like an idiot when people started talking about how fun and how great their experiences were tomorrow.

we did our first practical experience relating to our job yesterday. we were put into a group of 2, some 3. different group were given different tasks, different venue and different time. i wasn't really enjoying my practical. i was in a group with 2 other colleagues and they were having fun especially Sam. we met up with some other colleagues later and they were talking about how nice their experiences were. when it was my turn, i do not know what to say. it wasn't a very enjoyable one. i was just there, standing like an idiot and i learnt nothing at all. yeah, it could be my fault for not asking anything, but when i asked, the people doesn't seems to like me, they do not want to answer me too. just faced it, i do not have the friendly look. i have the look that everybody hates when they see me. others were saying that they had a great time and i was the only one, sitting there trying to be quiet. i'm going to have my second practical tomorrow, where everyone will have to do it individually. lets hope that it's going to be a GREAT one for me, at least i can say something about the GREAT experience i'll be having.

we, as in my colleagues and i went to the airport today for some working purposes. we were supposed to gather at around 7:15am and depart together but somehow, 7 of us were late. so 10 of the other colleagues went to the airport without us, and they went with the shuttle bus. we decided to drive there and off we go in 2 different cars, speeding on the highway like some crazy maniacs. Rosh and i were in the same car and we have no idea where to park the car because the parking fee in the airport is super expensive. so we were wondering and wondering while following our friend's car from behind. then he drove to the pick-up point at the arrival terminal and he just parked there right in front of 2 police officers. we were shocked!! he then talked to this man standing with the 2 officers and we thought that was his friend. we parked our car there then. we were like the VIPs. fuh..i just loved that moment. and later we found out that, that man whom my friend talked to, is not his friend but his Dad. we were like...COOLLLL!! his Dad is a police officer, a detective sergeant working in KLIA. that experience was a very COOL one.

He is online and i'm chatting with Him now, while blogging here. somehow i felt that He's hiding something from me. i even have this feeling that tells me that He's lying to me too about "this thing" which He thought that i don't know, which in fact i knew. hmmm...sounds kinda complicated. anyhow i do not know why it's bothering me so much. it's not as if there's something between us right now. maybe i dislike Him for being dishonest.

i do not know what is He trying to do. i received a message from Him from friendster yesterday. it was a total shock. He did not use friendster for months and suddenly He's appearing again. but what's the point then, when He's not being sincere and He doesn't even care. yup that's just Him. always there to give you surprises once a while and go missing in action for months. jerk!!

it's Labour Day! yay!! and tomorrow is a public holiday too. just came back from shopping. bought a pair of new Levi's jeans, a pair of long pants for work and a skirt. tried hunting for shoes again, but still couldn't find any. this is so freaking annoying. where are all the nice shoes??!! it's either no size or out of stock. so freaking pissed!!

i had a dream today. He came to Malaysia and yes we had a great time together. but it's all just a dream. am trying to get over Him but suddenly dreamt of Him. well it's alright, it's just a dream.

brought Hailie to the vet in the noon. she couldn't jump nor run for the past few days, i think she sprained one of her legs while chasing after cats the other day. but the vet said that she's fine, no sprained leg but she has an infected paw and ears. Hailie was given 2 injections and a few tablets, as well as a bottle of antibiotic for the infections. it's so sad to see Hailie so moody. she's a very active and playful dog, but now she's so quiet. by the way, Hailie is a toy poodle. love her so much...


My baby, Hailie.

woke up today and my body is aching all over. went clubbing yesterday with my colleagues. it was quite a fun night out, however there were times when things got kinda screwed up too. sigh..suddenly i'm running out of words. forgot what i wanted to write here. anyhow i'm feeling sleepy again. gee..guess i'm too old to party till "early" morning. gonna go get some sleep again... before that, here are some cute pics that i found..


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so confuse. i thought that i will be happy to hear "this news" but i don't. i'm not as happy as i should be. i'm so confuse about this feeling in me. why??

i accidently dropped my freaking bag today and yes, my mobile phone is in there. damn it!! now there's a big crack line on the screen. argghhh...so mad and so sad.

the pictures below are non-animated pictures. they are related to your pressure level. if you see them move, then that means you have pressure currently. the speed of the movement is the level of your pressure. the higher the moving speed, the higher pressure you have. most children and old men see the pictures as non-moving images and keep still. test yourself regularly with these pictures to know yourself better.
sometimes, it is good to have an appropriate pressure to push us to do better, but too much pressure can cause us to the end of the edge. thus be relaxed when you know you have too much pressure inside!


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omg..it's been a while since i last blogged. i've been very very busy since i started my training. having exams almost every week and lack of sleep all the time. i think i'm losing weight when i actually need to gain more weight. darn!! yup life isn't the same now, studying life and working life are totally DIFFERENT. i miss my student life, i miss my room in Ted Lewis Hall, I MISS LONDON. going out later to catch up with some friends. it's been a while since we last met. well everyone is busy with whatever they're doing now. so...